Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze. 
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. 
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. 
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, 
I will fear no Equal (tm):
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me. 
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez: 
Thou annointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and 
I will dwell in the House of ....... for ever.

(I need to find out where I got this from. Any help is appreciated so that proper credit can mentioned.)

True Story. The background: Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus  of 
UNH. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the place. Ian is the one telling the story. 
 
Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it. 
 
Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk? 
 
Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee. 
 
Me: Is there more milk or coffee? 
 
Her: Oh, definitely more coffee. 
 
Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk. 
 
Her: Just the usual amount of milk. 
 
Me: A coffee with milk. 
 
Her: Yes. 
 
Me: Anything else? 
 
Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
 
Me: We do have decaf. 
 
Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
 
Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine. 
 
Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine? 
 
Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine. 
 
Her: Yes it does. 
 
Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk? 
 
Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine. 
 
Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. 
No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else? 
 
Her: Do you have any bagels? 
 
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out 
of decaf bagels. 
 
Her: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds. 
 
Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am. 
 
Her: Well what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels) 
 
Vinnie: Those are sesame doughnuts with extra caffeine added. 
 
Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards? 
 
Me: No ma'am, cash only. 
 
Her: What about Visa? 
 
Me: Is that a credit card? 
 
Her: Well, yes. 
 
Vinnie: Is it cash? 
 
Her: No.
 
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it. 
 
Her: What about checks? 
 
Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else. 
 
Her: Okay. How much is that? 
 
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. 
 
Her: Really? 
 
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted 
the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it 
myself. 
 
Her: Okay. (proceeds to write a check) 
 
Vinnie: Please leave.
 
Her: Why? 
 
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now. 
 
Her: But what about my coffee? 
 
Vinnie: Leave and never return.
 
She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first.

Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
HG: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
HG: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
"judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we
bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine.
An English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
HG: I feel terrible about this but...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome,
tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.